Loneliness

One of my young friends suggested I address loneliness, so here are my thoughts.

I am no expert at combatting loneliness, but I'm happy to share my experiences and give you any tips that have helped me.

In 1999, I moved from western NC six hours away to middle/Eastern NC for college. I went to a small Methodist school and besides the people I had met the previous summer at orientation and in my scholarship singing group, I knew no one.

I think in this situation, following the advice I had heard somewhere to get involved helped. I think college students who are away from home and just go to class and spend the rest of their time in their residence hall are setting themselves up for failure. When you're in school, in your hometown, friends are often just there, and sometimes you've had the same friends since you were a kid, but college might be the first time that you have to be intentional about finding friends.

I was involved in the scholarship singing group which gave me a group of 11 other people that I spent a lot of time with. I was required to be in choir and at a small school, you just start meeting people. I went to the first students activity party my freshman year. Ok. Embarrassing story time. I went with my roommate who was from Albania. She had finished high school as an exchange student in America and was now attending college. This first party (though there were other mixers) was a pajama party and boy was I ready!  I arrived wearing my handmade butterfly print pajama pants (I used to be able to sew a mean pajama pant) and a baby t with a butterfly on it (give me a break, I was skinnier and this was the 90s). Well, they were having a pajama contest!  You could walk on the stage, show off your pajamas and I guess the person with the best pajamas won a prize. I happily signed up.

But I was a small town girl (living in a lonely world) and this was not the innocent "Christian college" fun I was expecting. As the girls got called up they were Strutting. Their. Stuff. They were dancing in a way that I wasn't comfortable with and I knew I would be embarrassed if I just stood up there and walked around in my (what now seemed like juvenile) butterfly pajamas. I quickly backed out of the contest and ranted to my roommate "I'm blah blah blah in the Methodist church and if they knew this was going on..."

Anyway, I did get involved in other activities in college. I quickly joined just about every Christian organization I could. Fellowship of Christian Athletes on Tuesday, Deeper Life Ministries on Wednesday (which at the time was a group comprised mostly of football players), I think I even did a Disciple Bible Study that year and went to Wednesday chapels. Throughout college I also participated in the Gospel choir when that started (at one point I think I was the only Caucasian in the choir) and girls' bible study.

College was truly some of the best years of my life and being intentional about building a community resulted in some amazing friendships.

In 2005, I accepted a job in northern Virginia and again I found myself in a place where I knew almost no one. I had imagined adulthood as being almost like college. I would befriend my new community, become friends with the people in the neighboring apartments and I would quickly have a group of like minded friends in their mid 20s. But that didn't happen either. Honestly, it took me probably about 2 1/2 years here before I actually started to feel like I had a community.  This finally happened once I found roommates I could be friends with, got involved in community theater, and started dating "Luke". I was lamenting to my sister once about one of the guys on The Bachelorette, and when would I find MY... Whatever his name was. And she responded, "well, he's not going to walk into your room."  

All of this to say, here's what's been helpful for me when dealing with loneliness-

Be intentional about reaching out. If you find yourself in a place where you don't have friends (yet) or if you're just feeling left out because everyone else is off with someone else, seek out those who are in the same boat. Send me a text!  This post is already too long to go into details but there was a time four years ago when I couldn't drive and weekends were the worst. I spent a lot of time biking to the movies. In the last year, I have been known to go to the movies with people half my age. I reach out to a large group to see who wants to go and if people don't want to, they won't come. I figure there's no harm in asking!

Don't be afraid to ask for help. When I found myself jobless in 2009 I learned how to humble myself and ask for help. Again, people who are worthy of being a good friend will help you when you're at your lowest. Just make sure that they feel appreciated and that they're not the one who is always helping YOU.  If you can, take them out for dinner in appreciation and/or make sure that the next time they need help, you do your best to help them. I believe that true friends should help each other unbegrudgingly, and if they're not willing to do that, it may be time to find new friends

Get active!  It's hard to feel sorry for yourself when you're doing something for someone else. Learn a new skill, write a song, draw a picture, make a gift for a friend, write a letter. As I say when I talk about Single Life, look for ways to show God's love to others. Visit old women in the nursing home. THEY know what loneliness is like!

Finally, and most importantly, remember that you're never truly alone. As someone once told me (or I read somewhere or something), "you plus God equals the majority". It has helped me in a few scary situations. :-). Remember that God is always with you.